There are lots of understandings – and misunderstandings – of what BDSM is all about. What makes it all the more complicated is that, like anything, people have different opinions. While there’s not really a right answer (other than consent always), we’ve rounded up 7 of the most commonly asked BDSM questions, and have your answers!
1. Can you be into BDSM if you don’t like pain?
We love this BDSM question because it’s one of the most commonly asked, and our answer is YES! Though traditional representations of BDSM and kink depict sadism and masochism, not all kink is about pain. Plenty of kinks, like Age Play for example, are about nurturing. Though, it’s important to note, Age Play can certainly encompass pain as well. It’s all about what the consenting adults involved want, and if you don’t want pain you don’t have to have it. That doesn’t make you any less kinky.
2. On the topic of pain, how does someone hurt the person they love?
Imagine this with us for a moment – going to the gym sucks, doesn’t it? You’re in the middle of the workout and you’re aching all over. However, when you finish, you feel great, don’t you? You’re really happy that you got yourself to get through it. You feel fulfilled, healthier, and proud of yourself. Impact play is very much the same for a lot of people. You’re hurting your partner, you’re not harming them. Everything you do and experience in BDSM is (or at least should be) totally consensual. So, you can relish in the fact that your partner wants this, you’ve both explored the safety aspects of it, and you’ve both communicated boundaries and safe words. Now, it can be hard to top an impact scene. Lilithfoxx, for example, recalls times when it was incredibly difficult for her to top her submissive due to trauma. She had to stop, she had to slow down, she had to take breaks. And, that was perfectly ok. So long as you stay communicative with your partner, there’s no reason that your scenes can’t be fluid and change with intensity. More importantly, there’s no reason that your scenes have to encompass pain at all. Plenty of people can explore kink and dynamics without any sadism or masochism.
3. Does this make me a bad person?
The BDSM question of the ages! Not everyone that practices BDSM and kink has trauma. Not everyone that practices it is a potential serial killer, or otherwise has something wrong with them. The unfortunate truth is that you see bad people everywhere, even in BDSM. We just tend to notice it more because of the taboo that surrounds BDSM as is. Bad people can exist in all areas of life – church, even. The only wrong way to do BDSM and kink is without consent. And this lifestyle is no different than any other. So long as all parties involved are consenting adults, do not let the preconceived ideas of what BDSM is deter you from exploring your sexuality as you see fit. Fantasies are just that – fantasies. Sometimes, we explore these fantasies, and so long as it’s all consensual, that’s perfectly ok. Sure, you could break down a fantasy to try to psychoanalyze yourself, but you’ll just overthink things. You wouldn’t do the same with trying to decide why you prefer a brand of cereal, would you? Though that seems oversimplified, why is it any different? If you genuinely have concerns, there’s nothing wrong with speaking to a mental health professional about them. NCSF’s Kink (and Poly) Aware Professionals Directory is a great place to find one!
4. Is BDSM illegal?
Unfortunately, yes, in most cases. This depends on where you’re located and where you play. You’re less likely to draw attention and risk playing in the privacy of your own home vs. a public space. However, in some jurisdictions, you can’t consent to it because it’s considered assault – even if you refuse to press charges or it’s in the privacy of your own home. It’s best to have protocols in place for if law enforcement or first responders show up to a play space. Most importantly, familiarize yourself with your local laws, and speak to an attorney.
5. Is BDSM about sex?
Not always, though it can be. So long as you and everyone involve consent, there’s technically no wrong way to practice kink and BDSM. Yes, BDSM is sexual in nature. Play is sexual in nature. However, plenty of people practice kink and BDSM without any sexual contact, and that’s just as valid as their sexual counterparts. For a lot of people, kink and BDSM can be a transcending experience of the exchange of power and authority.
Bonus question! – 6. How do I tell my partner that I like BDSM?
There are many more questions about BDSM. This just barely scratches the surface. Realistically, you’ll spend the rest of your life learning about this, and that’s ok! Enjoy the journey. Understand consent and what you consent to. And, attend a class to learn more!
